Ficlets
by starrysunrise
Summary: My growing collection of ficlets, written for the LJ community HPFICLETSWEEKLY. Full of humor and various pairings. R&R!
1. A Malfoy Story

Title: A Malfoy Story  
Words: 307  
Characters/Pairings: Lucius, Narcissa, Draco/Ginny  
Challenge: Anything  
Rating: PG-13, for a few naughty words

* * *

Once upon a time, in the land of all that is tweed and Beatles, there lived a man called Lucius Malfoy. Lucius was an evil, unpleasant little man. He enjoyed worshiping the equally vile Dark Lord. Lucius also enjoyed tying his unnaturally blonde hair back into a ponytail with a black ribbon. It quite frankly made him look like a girly-man.  
  
He didn't care because he would _Crucio_ anyone who pointed this out.  
  
Lucius met a girl named Narcissa.  
  
We don't know much about Narcissa, except that she came from another prestigious pureblood family, the Blacks. Purebloods, in general, seem to be big on the incestuous mating habits.  
  
Lucius and Narcissa got hitched in a very twisted ceremony. The Dark Lord was their minister. He even cried a little. It was very beautiful and heartwarming.  
  
Nine months later, out popped Draco Malfoy, heir to the gargantuan Malfoy fortune.  
  
Draco was a nasty prick of a boy, much like his dear daddy. Many people believe that Draco is just a poor, tortured soul, who just needs a little lovin' (coughGinnycough) because he was neglected at home. With that, he would be a perfectly lovely, non-evil guy, with a face like a Greek god... However, we fear that this is just wishful thinking by Tom Felton fangirls. It's a damn shame. Draco is much too hot to be a prick.  
  
Lucius eventually rots to death in Azkaban, after being Martha Stewart's bitch for nearly eight years, Narcissa has a torrid affair with Remus Lupin because she's been horny since her son was born, and Draco fights the good fight in the war against the Dark Lord after falling in love with one Ginny Weasley.  
  
Ginny and Draco produce an entire Quidditch team of children, much Ron's horror.  
  
And they all lived happily fucked up ever after.


	2. Tension and Confusion

Title: Tension and Confusion  
Words: 392  
Characters/Pairings: Harry, Hermione, Ron (it's NOT a H/Hr, okay?)  
Challenge: Double entendre  
Rating: PG-13

* * *

Harry Potter watched as one of his best friends studied. Hermione was hunched over an enormous Potions book in the library. She looked exhausted and about ready to pull her hair out.  
  
"How's it going, Hermione?" He asked.  
  
Hermione's head shot up, her blood-shot eyes narrowing.  
  
"What is it, Harry?" She asked brusquely.  
  
"Hermione, I think you need a break." He suggested.  
  
Hermione glared for a moment, and then sighed in defeat, closing the book.  
  
"Maybe you're right."  
  
"You look really tense," Harry said, "Want a massage?"  
  
Hermione giggled. "What exactly are you suggesting, Harry?"  
  
Harry blushed. "No, no, no…not like that. Just an innocent backrub."  
  
"Sure." Hermione maneuvered in her chair so that Harry could have full access to her back.  
  
Harry started around her shoulders.  
  
"Oh…wow." Hermione said breathlessly. Why hadn't he offered **this** _years_ ago.  
  
Hermione closed her eyes in relaxation, moaning a bit more.  
  
Meanwhile, behind the bookshelf, Ron walked up. He stopped dead in his tracks when he heard the moaning. He did a 180 and practically ran off until he heard…  
  
"Oh, Harry!"  
  
_That sounded like…Hermione?!?_ He gasped.  
  
He decided to listen. But not look. That could scar him for life.  
  
"Oh, _WOW_, Harry."  
  
"Stop that, Hermione, you're turning me on." The Boy-Who-Lived said sarcastically. Hermione laughed.  
  
_Okay, maybe THIS could also scar me for life…but I have to know!_ Ron decided.  
  
"This feels sooooo good. I never knew you were so good with your hands…"  
  
"Because I don't do this to people often."  
  
"I'm sure Ron would love one of these after Quidditch practice…"  
  
The red-head's eyes widened from behind the shelf.  
  
"Somehow, Hermione," Harry said, "I don't think he would appreciate this coming from me. You, however…I'm sure he would let _you_ do this to him!"  
  
Ron blushed bright red as Hermione giggled again.  
  
"No, Harry, you're better at it than I am. You must have had practice."  
  
"Well, the only one who I did this to was Cho. She just _loved_ it."  
  
"I can see why! This is INCREDIBLE!"  
  
By now, Ron was raging with jealously. _Hermione is supposed to be with ME, not Harry-bloody-Potter!_  
  
Before he knew what he was doing, he stormed out from behind the shelf.  
  
"POTTER, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE--"  
  
He stopped.  
  
Hermione and Harry looked at him in confusion.  
  
"Oh." Ron said sheepishly. "Sorry."


	3. Pudding

Title: Pudding  
Words: 297  
Characters/Pairings: Ron/Hermione  
Challenge: song lyric ("You've already won me over, in spite of me" –Alanis Morissette)  
Rating: PG

* * *

Hermione stared at Ron.  
  
Usually, when the bushy-haired Gryffindor stared at the love of her life, she felt butterflies in her stomach when he smiled that goofy, lop-sided grin. Her heart would melt when he would give her puppy dog eyes if he needed to copy her Transfiguration notes. She felt slightly breathless when he defended her against Malfoy, even though she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself and was sort of offended that he couldn't realize that.  
  
Ron was perfect.  
  
Except for now…  
  
This was getting very off-putting.  
  
Ron was sitting across the table from Hermione, in the middle of lunch. He had overslept that day, not even having time for a quick breakfast. As a result, a growing Weasley boy had been deprived of food.  
  
It had the potential to be _disastrous_.  
  
After Potions had ended, the red head had actually sprinted to the Great Hall.  
  
By the time Harry and Hermione had reached the Great Hall, Ron was already well into his third helpings.  
  
Now, Harry was shoveling his food in a similar fashion as Ron, while Hermione could hardly sip her soup.  
  
Ron was chewing with his mouth open. It was painful for Hermione to witness. Almost as much food going in was falling out.  
  
Ron looked up to her staring.  
  
"Was 'p, 'Moinw?" He asked through a mouthful of pork chops.  
  
Hermione grimaced, her facial features pinching unpleasantly.  
  
_How in the _world _could this be the man I love?!?_  
  
He was disgusting.  
  
And, even _more_ disgusting, Hermione found it adorable…underneath it all.  
  
Ron was ALWAYS adorable in her mind.  
  
Even with pudding on his chin.  
  
"'Moinw?" He asked again.  
  
Hermione smiled.  
  
"It's just…you've got pudding on your chin."  
  
Ron rubbed it off, grinning.  
  
"Fanks!"  
  
And then he was scarfing again.  
  
Hermione sighed. 


	4. A Cat's Advice

Title: A Cat's Advice  
Words: 418  
Characters/Pairings: Ron, Crookshanks, Hermione  
Challenge: Pets  
Rating: G  
A.N.—a tiny OotP spoiler, but if you haven't read it yet, you're a sorry excuse for a HP fan…don't complain to me about spoiling it!

* * *

Ron was pacing back and forth in front of the Gryffindor common room fireplace.

It was after midnight, and he couldn't sleep. He was too busy thinking about Her—no one in particular.

Crookshanks sauntered down from the girl's dormitories. His furry head went back and forth…back and forth…watching the redhead.

Ron began muttering under his breath.

"I can't stop thinking about…why did I have to…she's all I…I can't tell her…I--" He yelped and jumped when something hairy brushed up against his leg.

"Oh," Ron said darkly, "It's just you."

Ron could never quite get over his grudge for the part-Kneazle. Even thought Scabbers had turned out to be an Animagus by the name of Peter Pettigrew more than three years ago, Ron was still angry with the cat from trying to eat his beloved pet rat.

It was unreasonable, yes, but Ron was never one to be reasonable.

Crookshanks leaped up onto the closest couch. He stared at Ron patiently.

Ron sighed. "Well, I suppose it would be nice to pour my feelings out to someone, even a bloody cat."

Crookshanks stared.

"I must be nutters." Ron sighed again. "All right."

The cat purred.

"I can't stop thinking about Hermione. I think I'm in love with her, but I'm too scared to tell her."

Crookshanks cocked his head to the side.

"Sometimes, she looks at me in this way that makes me feel like a million Galleons, and I think that she could like me back. But other times…all she does is nag on me for not finishing my Transfiguration homework. Then it seems like she only sees me as a friend.

"I'm so confused about all of this. I should have been put into Hufflepuff, honestly. I obviously don't have that Gryffindor bravery that I hear so much about. I don't have the guts to go right up to her and snog her senseless. Facing a few Death Eaters in the Department of Mysteries is a piece of cake compared to asking out the girl of your dreams…"

Ron looked at Crookshanks. "Do you think I should go for it with Hermione, then?"

Crookshanks nodded forcefully.

Ron blinked. "I must be imagining things…the _cat_ didn't just tell me to go for it with Hermione…"

Crookshanks hissed and darted back up the staircase to the girl's dormitory.

A moment later, Hermione walked down, yawning, with Crookshanks at her heels.

"What's going on, Ron?" She asked sleepily.

Crookshanks stared pointedly at Ron.

Ron's eyes widened.

_"Bloody cat…"_


	5. New 'Do

Title: New 'Do  
Words: 307  
Characters/Pairings: Ginny, Draco  
Challenge: Fire  
Rating: PG, for one naughty word

* * *

The Weasley's were well known throughout the wizarding world for their flaming red hair.

Only…not _quite_ this literally.

Ginny shrieked loudly. Her hair had caught on fire in the middle of Potions class. That's what she got for not tying it back properly while bending over a heated cauldron.

The rest of the fifth year Gryffindors and Slytherins watched with wide eyes as the youngest Weasley shouted and twitched about.

"WILL SOMEONE GET ME SOME BLOODY FUCKING WATER OVER HERE?!?"

"Twenty points from Gryffindor for your foul language, Ms. Weasley. Now, if you will stop thrashing like that, I might be able to perform an Extinguishing Spell," Snape sniped snappishly.

Ginny stood still. The potions master muttered a few Latin words under his breath and the fire was promptly put out.

Ginny whimpered at the sight of her hair. The bottom half was stiff and completely blackened. Her favorite feature on herself…the thing she treasured most, spent years growing out long enough…it was ruined!

Colin Creevey patted her back in sympathy.

After Potions had ended, Ginny sprinted to her dormitory with a pair of scissors and a look of sheer determination on her face.

* * *

Several boys' heads turned as she entered the Great Hall for dinner. Ginny patted her new hairdo self-consciously. Was it really that terrible?

She had had to chop a large majority of it off to get rid of the dead strands.

The result was an adorable crimson bob that ended just above her ears. It suited her very nicely.

Maybe a little _too_ nicely.

Harry dropped his fork when Ginny sat down.

Ginny blushed at all the attention.

From across the Hall, Draco Malfoy watched her with interest.

_When did Weasley's little sister get so…gorgeous?_ he thought.

Then he realized what he had just thought and felt slightly ill.

_Stupid brain…_


	6. Chocolate Frogs

Title: Chocolate Frogs  
Words: 369  
Characters/Pairings: Luna/Harry  
Challenge: Frogs  
Rating: G  
Note: Warning—this idea came to me last night when I was in my weird mood, so it's **very weird**, 'kay? But Luna's a weird person, so this could make perfect sense. Yay!

* * *

Ever since she could remember, Luna Lovegood had always been terrified of one thing:

Chocolate Frogs.

It was mad, really. It had just always unnerved her how she was expected to eat something that hopped about like that when you were trying to take a bite out of it. It was unnatural to her, even while being surrounded by magic all the time.

It didn't help matters that Luna was a vegetarian. Eating frogs, chocolate or not, seemed horrible. Luna wasn't terrified of real frogs, only chocolate ones.

Unfortunately, her boyfriend didn't know this.

* * *

Harry Potter strode into the hospital room with a huge bouquet of flowers and a brown paper sack.

He bent over Luna, giving her a kiss on the forehead.

"How're you doing, luv?"

Luna was currently at St. Mungo's for a nasty flu virus that had been going around.

"I'm fine, Harry," she replied in that dreamy sort of voice.

Harry grinned. "Good to hear."

"Are those for me?" she asked.

Harry set the flowers on the table next to her bed and put the brown sack in her lap.

"They're for you."

"That's very sweet of you, Harry," Luna said, giving her boyfriend a peck on the lips.

She breathed the scent of the daisies in, smiling in satisfaction.

Then she carefully opened the sack. Harry had gotten her an assortment of her favorite sweets. There were Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Licorice Wands, Sugar Quills, Chocoballs and—

Luna dropped it onto the floor, screaming bloody murder.

Harry was panicking.

"What?! What's wrong, Luna?!"

"Ch-ch-chocolate Fr-fr-ogs…"

Harry's face scrunched up in confusion. "I thought you liked Chocolate Frogs."

"N-no…sca-scary…b-b-bad…" Luna buried her face in Harry's shoulder.

Once Harry realized what was going on, he chuckled.

"You're scared of frogs?"

Luna looked up and narrowed her eyes at him. "I'm not _that_ pathetic… It's only the Chocolate Frogs," she explained.

Harry wrapped his arms around her. "Of course it's not pathetic, luv. You're scared of Chocolate Frogs," he stated.

Luna nodded.

"You're scared of chocolate that has been charmed to hop and croak."

Luna nodded again.

Harry grinned lopsidedly, tucking a strand of her pale blonde hair behind her ear.

"I love you, Luna."


	7. Serenade

Title: Serenade  
Words: 596, NOT including lyrics  
Characters/Pairings: James/Lily  
Challenge: Music(8)  
Rating: G, it's very clean pointless fluff  
A.N.— the song is "Hooked on a Feeling" originally by B.J. Thomas. The version I have, and was thinking of when writing this, is the '70's cover by Blue Swede.

* * *

James struggled to keep his balance as a great gust of wind came almost knocked him off his broom. He urged the broom higher and higher until it was just below level and a few yards away from the dark windowsill.

_Sirius is going to pay, _James thought irritably. It wasn't that James didn't very much enjoy declaring his love and affection for Lily Evans, but this was just ridiculous.

And that was saying something, coming from James.

Sirius had somehow convinced James to do a grand gesture of serenading Lily with a romantic song from the window, as a guarantee that this would finally break Lily of the immunity she had towards the Potter charm.

Sirius had somehow got the idea fixed into his head that this would be the night when Lily would agree to go out with James.

_She'll probably just end up flat out saying no, or throwing something at me, or yelling, or telling a professor…or all of the above._

James knew that even if she threw a full-grown mountain troll at him, armed with a large bat to bash him to his death, nothing would hurt him more than her saying 'No, Potter!' in that disgusted voice.

The first time James Potter had asked Lily Evans to go out on a date, way back in first year, it had been a game, purely for his amusement. He hardly even liked girls then, being pretty much still set on that cooties phenomena. __

Now, by the beginning of seventh year, it was different.

Her refusals hadn't hurt him at all until just recently.

_Must be real love, _he thought ironically.

James took a deep breath, staring at the Head Girl's private window.

"Please don't kill me, Lily," James muttered under his breath.

James' tenor voice started out soft, but rapidly grew with confidence and volume.

**_I can't stop this feeling_**

**_Deep inside of me_**

**_Girl, you just don't realize_**

**_What you do to me_**

**_When you hold me_**

**_In your arms so tight,_**

**_You let me know,_**

**_Everything's all right_******

The messy-haired Gryffindor stopped singing (and dancing a bit) as he saw the curtains on the window start to move. A disgruntled face peeked out at him.

Lily glared at the sight in front of her. James Potter, in the middle of the night, outside her dorm, on a broom…singing to her?

"What in Merlin's name do you think you're doing, Potter?!" Lily screamed.

James grinned. "Being romantic!" he answered simply. Then he continued.

**_I'm hooked on a feeling,_**

**_I'm high on believing,_**

**_That you're in love with me_**

"This isn't romantic, Potter, it's disturbing. And I'm NOT in love with you, git!" Lily interrupted him, "I'm going to go tell Professor McGonagall before you wake up the entire castle." She closed the curtains.

"Lily! Wait! No!" James called out desperately. He skipped over to the next verse, singing louder yet to make sure she heard.

**_I got it bad for you girl,_**

**_But I don't need a cure,_**

**_I'll just stay addicted,  
  
_****_If I can endure_**

**_All the good love, when we're all alone_**

**_Keep it up girl, yeah you turn me on  
  
I'm hooked on a feeling_**

**_I'm high on believing that you're in love with me_**

**_All the good love, when we're all alone_**

**_Keep it up girl, yeah you turn me on_**

**_I'm hooked on a feeling,_**

****

I'm high on believing,

****

**_That you're in love with me._****__**

James trailed off as his performance ended. He was so into it that he didn't even notice numerous other people looking out their windows at him.

He smirked and mock bowed at them.

She was staring at him.

Her eyes were suspiciously shiny and a slight smile graced her features.

That was all the encouragement James needed.

"LILY JOSEPHINE EVANS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?" he yelled.

"I'll…I'll think about it," she answered timidly, much to even her own surprise. Lily's hopeless romantic girlish heart was overweighing her desire to strangle James Potter.

Even if he wasn't the greatest singer.

And besides, he must **really** like her; otherwise he wouldn't have been THIS persistent for SEVEN years…

She hadn't COMPLETELY lost her rationality…

James' eyes widened.

"Maybe? Is that a maybe?!" he said in disbelief.

"Maybe," Lily confirmed.

James slowly floated back to the ground in a happy daze under the moonlight.


	8. Cheesy

Title: Cheesy  
Words: 239  
Characters/Pairings: MWPP, Lily  
Challenge: the Moon  
Rating: G

* * *

"You're wrong!"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"It is!!"

"You're all nutters."

Lily sighed impatiently at the group of boys known to most as the Marauders. Sirius and James were stubbornly (and loudly) trying to convince her of something that was most definitely not a fact. Remus watched from the sidelines looking thoroughly amused. Peter wasn't quite sure what to believe.

"I'm telling you, Lils," Sirius insisted, "the Moon is made of cheese!"

James nodded enthusiastically.

"Right," Lily said with sarcasm, "and Santa Clause is real, didn't you know? He says 'ho, ho, ho,' by the way…"

Now all, except Remus of course, looked puzzled.

"Santa! Honestly, don't you guys have any culture?" Lily rolled her eyes, muttering something about 'stupid purebloods'.

Sirius cleared his throat. "As I was saying, the Moon is definitely cheese. Just look at it!"

The five Gryffindors glanced out the window at the half moon.

"See, Lils, doesn't it look like cheese?" James asked.

"No." Lily raised an eyebrow. "It's just a stupid old myth all because of one idiot who was quoted saying something moronic. Now, if you'll excuse me," she said with finality, rising from her seat and starting up the stairs.

The Marauders continued staring at the Moon.

"Moony, you of all people should know—we're right, aren't we?" James asked Remus.

Remus bit back a grin. "Of course you are, Prongs. The moon is made of cheese."

James and Sirius smiled happily.


	9. Only You

Title: Only You  
Words: 474  
Characters/Pairings: Blaise/Luna, mentions Draco/Ginny  
Challenge: pairing that I've never done before (Blaise/Luna)  
Rating: PG (one swear)

* * *

It's not that she's gorgeous.

She isn't.

Well, she's rather pretty in her own way if you like that pale, whispery quality in a woman.

It's not her looks that intrigue me.

It's just…her.

She often has her nose buried in that damned newspaper, _The Quibbler_, reading it upside down no less. She says some of the most ridiculous things in that dreamy voice of hers. She hunts Snorkacks for Merlin's sake…

And she couldn't care less about what everyone's thinking about her.

This concept is foreign to me. Being a Slytherin is about appearances. It's about reputation and status. For someone not to care at all is completely mad.

Then again, most people think Luna Lovegood _is _mad.

She's intriguing.

All I can do is watch while she sits at a table across the library with the red-haired vixen who calls herself Draco Malfoy's girlfriend. The two work on homework together, pausing every so often to giggle quietly about something. The little Ravenclaw's dreamy eyes light up with amusement.

The supposed Prince of my house struts over to them and drags his girlfriend off. Weasley doesn't seem to mind the way he's manhandling her.

Lovegood smiles slightly after them before returning to her work.

I can't help but stare.

I notice her entire posture stiffen. She knows I'm looking.

She blushes a bit and looks down. She glances up at me once, and then twice. After the second time, she narrows those eyes and hastily shoves her books in her bag, slinging it over her shoulder.

Within a moment, she's seated herself in the chair beside me, severe annoyance painted on her face.

"_What_ are you staring at, Zabini?" she hisses. I never knew a creature like her was capable of hissing. I like this new side of Loony.

I smirk

"Well?!" she asks impatiently in a low voice. We _are _in the library, after all.

"Just you, Lovegood," I reply smoothly, "only you."

"Oh," she breathes, getting that characteristic dazed look again.

Our gazes stay locked. This was becoming despicably like a Harlequin romance novel. It sickens me.

Suddenly, I'm being shoved towards the little Ravenclaw against my own free will by someone behind me.

Being mere millimeters apart as it was, I close the space between us instinctively.

Her lips touch mine in a sweet, gentle way, one of which I have never experienced.

It's nice.

She pulls away a moment later, almost reluctantly, from the lingering kiss filled with promise.

I grin.

"Only you, Luna."

I rise from my seat and turn around, mildly surprised to find Malfoy's girl looking particularly smug.

She smirks at me, and then at Luna.

I nod slowly at the redhead.

I take one last look at Luna, who still appears to be in shock.

"I trust you'll think on it, Lovegood."

Then, I'm gone.


	10. Guy Talk

Title: Guy Talk  
Words: 451  
Characters/Pairings: Ron, Harry (implied Ron/Hermione and Harry/Luna)  
Challenge: 'American Pie' movie quote used (hopefully you can spot it)  
Rating: PG-13  
A.N.—it's lame...very lame...**everyone is OOC, just a FYI**

* * *

"Harry, you've...done _it, _right?"

Harry slowly glanced up from his Transfiguration homework at his red-haired best mate. He blinked in confusion.

"What are you on about, Ron?"

"You've, you know," Ron sat down next to Harry, lowering his voice conspiratorially, "_had sex_?"

Harry blinked again.

"Yes, Ron, I have had _sex,"_ Harry whispered the last word mockingly.

"Shut up, Harry." Ron blushed. "So, have you with Luna yet?"

"Not that's it's much of your business what I do with my girlfriend but, yes, we have," Harry answered.

"How long after you first started dating?"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Two weeks. Now tell me why the hell you're interrogating me."

Ron blushed even more.

"See, Hermione and I...we've been together for about five months now..." Ron trailed off.

"And?" Harry prompted.

"We haven't...it's not like I haven't WANTED to...but she doesn't...of course I've _tried..."_

Harry struggled not to grin.

"You haven't slept together yet, after five long months," Harry finished for Ron.

The redhead nodded miserably.

"I mean, I respect that she wanted to wait at first but I've BEEN waiting! For FIVE months, Harry!! Sure, we snog rather enthusiastically but when I get right to the point of my pants about to burst, she always says we should stop, and I always agree because I don't want to pressure her! But I'm a **teenage boy**! I have needs!! I can't take much more of this torture!!!! Help me, Harry!!"

Harry failed to suppress his laughter this time as Ron's distressed (and very unmanly) ramblings came to an end.

"And how I am supposed to help you, Ron?"

"Teach me how to properly _woo _Hermione into shagging me!!" Ron answered in a strangled, squeaky voice.

"I don't see that happening, mate." Harry patted Ron's back in comfort. "No offense, but you're just not really my type."

Ron shoved an amused Harry away from him in annoyance.

"Look, Hermione's not going to shag you until she's good and ready. Don't force her into something she'll regret. And," Harry grimaced, "try to remember a Silencing Charm the next time you're self-servicing in the dorms, yeah?"

"You're right. I'll just have to wait. She's worth it," Ron said resignedly.

"Okay then. Are we done here?"

"Yeah," Ron said.

"Good, because I have a date with Luna in the broom closet," Harry grinned wolfishly. "Are we still researching in the library later with Hermione?"

"Yeah," Ron rolled his eyes, "I love her and all, but she never gives up when she has a theory."

Harry slung his book bag over his shoulder, heading towards the door. He paused suddenly and glanced back at Ron, grinning a bit.

"So, I'll see you guys tonight, in the 'No Fucking Section', right?"

Ron glared.


End file.
